The Critter Catcher
by Lotusblosm
Summary: One shot collaboration for the Fun With Your Clothes On contest. Bella and Alice have a 'thing' in their basement and call the Critter Catcher for help. He is gorgeous with a rockin' body and never leaves a customer unsatisfied.


**Fun With Your Clothes On One-Shot Contest**

**The Critter Catcher**

**maxandmo & Lotusblosm**

**Edward/Bella**

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

BPOV

"BELLA! BELLA MARIE SWAN! Get your ass down here. HURRY PLEASE!" Alice yelled from the basement.

What the hell did she want? All I asked her for was some peace and quiet so I could finish my essay and now she was screaming at me. "What?!!" I yelled back.

"Can you PLEASE come down here?" She asked in a panicked tone.

I walked my grumpy ass down the stairs to see what she wanted. "What the fuck? What are you doing?" I asked. She was standing by the door to the storage area with a broom and a small garbage can in her hands.

"Bella, I swear there is something in there."

"Whatever Alice. Are you doing drugs down here?" I asked mockingly.

"Shhh. Just listen." She said.

I put my ear to the door and heard nothing. I put my hand on the door knob and was about to open it when Alice launched her small self at me and was completely freaking out. "DON'T. YOU. DARE." She said giving me the evil eye. You did NOT want to fuck with Alice when she gave you the eye.

"Fine. I'm going back upstairs to finish my homework." Before I could make my way upstairs I heard a scratching noise and saw a huge shadow underneath the door. "Fuck!" I ran and hid behind Alice. She did have a broom and trash can after all.

She grabbed a hat from the rack behind her, looked me square in the eyes and said: "I'm going in."

"No you are not! What do you think you're going to do with a broom and garbage can, and what's with the hat?" I asked with a smirk.

"Bella, I can just whack the _thing_ with the broom and then trap it with the can. I look scarier with the hat."

"I'm going to get the phone book. Stay here and do not move."

I ran upstairs and dug the phone book out of the cabinet. I wiped the dust off of it and was about to open it when I realized I had no idea what to look for. Who in the sans hell gets _things_ out of people's basements? Shit. Exterminators? No. Pest control? Maybe.

"Bella! Hurry up." Alice screeched.

I flipped the book open to the P's and was having a hard time because I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. The first entry I stumbled upon was 'The Critter Catcher' and his slogan was 'I never leave a customer unsatisfied.' Sounded perfect to me. I dialed the number and a guy answered after about ten rings. He was out of breath and sounded far away. Great. I told him what was going on and where we lived and he told me he could be here in twenty minutes. SCORE. It was Sunday night and I didn't figure anyone would want to help us. I ran downstairs and told Alice he would be here in twenty minutes.

"Good, O.K. I'm out and I'm late. I've got to get to Jasper's." She said matter of factly.

"What? You are going to leave me here with a _thing_ in the basement and a creepy critter guy?"

"You knew I was going over there, and I do NOT want to see what he pulls out of there. Text me a pic if you want."

_I'm going to freaking kill her...or better yet maybe I can just open the door and throw her inside._

She ran up the stairs and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I could hear her upstairs talking to someone. I was just about to head up there when I saw someone heading down. Shit. I was wearing a white wife beater and a pair of cheeky boy shorts. He said twenty minutes. Usually I was impressed when someone was early. Not when I'm half naked in the basement with a _thing _and a critter catcher.

The critter catcher was wearing a big mask like thing over his head, a plaid blue button down shirt with a wife beater under it that matched my own, and a pair of button fly jeans. Wow, his arms seemed muscular and his ass and crotch looked damn good. He was holding a big ass stick with a rope on the end. I pointed to the door and he motioned for me to move away. He yanked the door open, stepped inside and pulled it shut. I could hear shit crashing down and then it was quiet. Just when I thought things were done I heard more ruckus and then some banging and then a screech. _What the hell? _I was going to yell to him and ask if he was O.K., but I didn't think it would matter since his ears were covered by the mask. I was trying to be patient but he had been in there for awhile. What if he never came out? What if the _thing _had eaten him for a snack? Before I could think up anymore scenarios the door opened and the critter catcher came out holding a humungous possum by its' tail. There was blood all over his arms and his shirt was tattered. I had no idea if it was his blood or the possum's. He walked up the stairs and out the door. I followed far behind and stayed in the house. I looked out the window and saw him lock the possum in a cage in the back of his truck. The critter catcher headed back towards the house and I opened the door for him. I did NOT want any _thing's_ blood on my door.

I walked to the kitchen and he followed. When I turned around, I gasped. The critter catcher had taken off his mask and was breathtakingly beautiful. _Holy hell! _He had the greenest eyes and hair the color of a finely polished penny. I let my instincts guide me and walked over to the cupboard to grab a towel so he could clean up. _Strange_. There weren't any towels in the drawer. I looked everywhere I could think of and couldn't find any. Paper towels would have to do. _Strange._ Where in the hell did all the paper towels go? I looked at the critter catcher and shrugged my shoulders. He walked over and took his tattered shirt off leaving him in his wife beater. _Oh my fucking lord! _He washed himself up and quirked his eyebrow at me. In one swift motion he pulled his wife beater over his head and dried his hands. _Fuck Me. _The man was sculpted like a statue. His chest was defined and covered in a Celtic tribal design tattoo and his nipple was pierced. A tattoo and a nipple piercing. Oh my fuck, I think I'm going to cum. His abs were tight and sculpted and his jeans hung low. This man was fuck-awesomely hot. I realized that my mouth was hanging open and my heart was racing so fast that I started breathing heavy. Hello Miss Obvious with my chest heaving up and down.

The gorgeous critter catcher was standing in front of me glistening from the water job. He was definitely lighting my lady parts on fire. I met his eyes and he gave me the most gorgeous lop sided grin. He kept his eyes on me and backed me up against the counter. He grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it up and over my head, and then placed his hand into my hair. He pulled me to him and devoured my mouth with his own. It was mouth fucking at its' finest. Our tongues moved in perfect rhythm and not only could my nipples cut glass, I was pretty sure that my cheeky boy-shorts were soaked. We broke our kiss and were left gasping for air. He still had a hold on my hair and used it to pull my neck to him. He began to gently suckle and lightly blew in my ear. I felt tingles from my head to my privates. He continued to kiss down my neck and started running his tongue across my shoulder. My 'girls' were yearning for his touch. As if he could read my mind, he made his way to the left one and took it in his mouth. He started out sucking gently and then gradually harder and harder until a moan escaped my mouth. _Motherfucker. Thank God for possums. _He started to massage the right one and swept his fingers over my nipple. He pinched my nipple and I lost all control. I pushed him backwards and we toppled onto the floor. Our lips found each other and I sucked on his bottom lip. It was his turn to moan. I ran my tongue lightly across his chin and reached his ear. I bit his earlobe and continued to trail my tongue down the side of his neck.

As I was straddling him, he had the tightest hold on my ass and was grinding me against him. Holy shit he felt hard and big through his jeans. I moaned and grinded even harder against him. I placed my hands on his hard chest and lowered my mouth to his nipple. I used my other hand to gently tug on his nipple ring. He instantly picked me up by my ass and rested me gently on his face. He began nuzzling into my girly bits through my cheeky panties. He started nipping my clit and softly pulling and grazing it with his teeth. I couldn't help but move and grind on his face. He was rubbing me with his fingers and pushing them into me as far as my panties would allow, while smiling at me with that fuck hot crooked smile. He was so into it that he completely devoured me. His fingers moved at the perfect pace and he touched and pulled on me until I lost all control and came on his face. He continued to suck on my hot wet vajayjay, while I leaned back and started stroking his intensely hard dick, unfortunately covered by his pesky jeans. To my surprise all I wanted at that moment was to have it in my mouth. I'm usually not a fan of the BJ, but tonight I'd put it on a bun and eat it whole if I could! My naughty critter catcher started moaning and I knew it felt good for him. His breathing started to increase. I scooted myself back from his face putting my ass against his dick and started rubbing it between my cheeks. Fuck, he liked that...a lot! He leaned up and put his arms around my waist pulling me to him. I wrapped my legs around him and he effortlessly picked me up. He pushed me up against the wall and grinded his cock into me never letting go of my ass. I unbuttoned those sexy ass button flys and with a light tug they fell to the ground. He continued to move his hips frantically, and I couldn't help but admire his stellar body. I raked my nails down his back and then grabbed his incredible hair. He was so fucking hard I thought his cock was going to rip through his boxer briefs and all the way through my panties. Fuck me, I was _really _hoping it would. I had my hands on either side of his face and played with his tongue against mine. I took in his bottom lip and as I lightly bit it, he let out a guttural moan, almost sending me over the edge again. He set me down and my thighs and abs were so tight that I welcomed the standing position. He licked my ear and made his way to my neck and onto my shoulder while grabbing my waist and turning me around so I was facing the wall. He started grinding his dick right into my ass and I knew what he wanted. I pushed myself away from the wall and bent forward. He let out a low moan, which I didn't think he intended for me to hear. It made me smile and want to keep pleasing him more. I was bent over and my ass was all up in his business. He continued grinding and grabbed a fist full of my hair. The man had mad moves and it felt so fucking good. I couldn't help but softly moan. One of his hands found its' way in front of me and began fondling me though my panties again. Sweet Jesus did he know how to use his hands! As he continued to thrust into me, I put my hand over his onto my slick wet spot, and joined in the fun. His breaths were coming short and quick as he grinded harder into my ass. I knew he was close as his moans and grunts gave it away and he sounded sexy as hell. I needed to see his face when he lost it so I turned my head toward him and looked up through my lashes. He was staring at me and smiled that fucking hot smile of his. My critter catcher squeezed my ass and pushed against me one last time. He totally exploded through his boxer briefs. I felt his cum run along my ass cheeks and down my leg.

He pulled his pants on and took something out of his pocket. He handed me his business card and the bill and stated: "I never leave a customer unsatisfied."

He had definitely caught_ my _critter_._

**Hope you like this. We hope a possum comes into your houses so Critterward can cum and get it:) **

**Luvs: maxandmo & Lotusblosm**


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